I wasn’t a good mother today

Dear son,

I know I wasn’t a good mom today. I lacked compassion, spoke harsher than I intended to, and struggled to keep my emotions in check. It was a hard day. Perhaps you don’t know it. And how could you? I’m sorry.

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Photo Source: Donnie Ray Jones

After tossing and turning for the whole night I woke up with a headache. I groggily scurried to the kitchen only to find everything in mess. When I came to wake you up, you smiled at me with those brightly lit eyes. “Mumma…” you said reaching out for those morning snuggles. And with sheer discourtesy I got busy with morning chores. Not because I don’t love you, but because I was tired. And perhaps mommy needed some more sleep.

But there was no way you could have known this. I’m really sorry.

Then I tried to dress you up for school and you rollicked around the house inviting me to play the run around game. And I yelled, “Hurry up! We’re late”. I wasn’t yelling at you dear. Trust me it wasn’t you.I could hardly hear myself speak.

Aah, but how could you’ve known. I’m sorry.

When mommy was busy on a call and you ran inside with a wonderful doodle art on your slate, and that glint in your eyes, mommy didn’t smile. And when you tried thrusting that forward, I retorted, “Watch your manners!” But it wasn’t you mommy was angry at.

How in the world would you know that? I’m so sorry. And that ship sailing on the water on your slate was fantastic indeed.

Today I wasn’t at my parenting best. And somehow you were convinced that it was you. So you tip toed around me for hours. No, it wasn’t you sweetheart. It’s just that mommy was having a bad day. And some bad days are just worse than others. I was mad at myself, or perhaps the world, or may be at my inadequacy to cope. Sometimes mommy tries to be text-book-perfect , which is pretty unreasonable, you know. It’s not always easy being an adult, a mother, a parent. And so is being a child, I know.

Mommy can be touchy too at times. There are days when feet hurt, back aches and eyes droop. Or days when I just  don’t feel like myself. After all, life isn’t always a straight highway.  No you don’t know that. And you don’t even need to, at least now. But just know this that I’m trying. I’m trying every single day to be a better parent. And as I sat flipping through pictures of your first birthday, my anger turned into sadness and sadness into tears. I feel crestfallen.

I’ll be fine again tomorrow after a good sleep, few scoops of ice cream and a read through a good book. But I want to apologize so that you know I’m trying. I’m not a perfect mother, but I’m learning to be a better one.

And while I’m writing this I hear you mumble in sleep. Oh what’s that…let me hear… “Incy Wincy Spider…Climbed up the Water Spout”…and there’s something about the good dinosaur too. I’m waiting for you to wake up. We are going to cuddle and eat ice cream. And then how about some finger painting?

And I promise to be a better mom tomorrow.

I love you,

Mommy  

xxxx

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12 thoughts on “I wasn’t a good mother today

  1. I’m literally in tears now Asma coz this is exactly wat I do to my little one n dats exactly hw he reacts….ur d best at penning down emotions of a MOM…keep up d awesome work girl..

    Liked by 1 person

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